#fastforward

On social media I often see posts with people posting cute pictures of their kids or doing fun things together with hashtags like #wishIcouldstoptime.

If I posted on social media (which I seldom do) I would have taken a few pictures of  miserable me with the hashtag #wishIcouldfastforwardtime.     Even more than that I wished I had a life remote with a fast forward button that really worked.

It all started as a pretty typical Saturday morning.   Jane had a super early soccer game that I went to then we came home and she got ready for her last basketball game.  My stomach, which has been bothering me for well over a year was hurting like usual.    As Jane and I were loading up to head to her game it became especially painful and I told her I didn't have it in me to go to her game and that her dad would have to take her.     We switched places and I went in to go to bed.   Just as I was laying down an excruciating pain shot through my stomach and up to my left shoulder.    I have never felt pain like that!   I sat up and for about 10-15 minutes I attempted to move around to ease the pain without any relief.     All I could think about was getting rid of the pain.  I think if  I had access to some sort of hard core drug to ease the pain I would have gladly O.D'ed on it.  Finally I couldn't take it anymore and texted Bart.  You've got to come home and take me to the ER.  I think I might be dying.   In a few minutes Bart was back and we headed to the ER.     I completely expected them to tell me it was all in my head like the GI doctor basically told me in November when he did an upper G.I. scope and didn't find anything to be worried about.   At this point I didn't care what they diagnosed me with I just knew the ER would give me pain drugs to ease my pain and that is all I wanted. 

To my surprise after the CAT scan the ER doctor came in and told me, mostly Bart, I was almost out of it, although still in a lot of pain, that an ulcer had perforated my stomach lining.  So basically I had a big hole in my stomach which was letting everything in my stomach out.    I remember him telling me that they were going to have to transfer me to St. Marks for an emergency surgery and all I said was good can you sedate me now?   I think he responded with something like sorry but I'm not an anesthesiologist.   I was whisked off to a painful ambulance ride and a few hours later I woke up in a hospital bed to Bart next to me and a bunch of tubes sticking out of me.

The next week or so was one of the most trying I have had.  Although most of the stomach pain was gone I still felt miserable and was spiking a temperature occasionally.  I hated just sitting and lying around knowing there was nothing I could do to change my situation.   I had to be readmitted to watch some abnormal fluid pooling under my left lung to see if it was infected.   Luckily it never got infected.  So recovery was slower than I wanted and my patience once again was stretched.  But through it all I've gained a greater understanding of the plan of salvation and an appreciation for health.  I read this meme a few weeks ago and it helped me through this experience. 

I often get caught up wanting everything to go smoothly.  But this isn't how we grow.  This life is a time to be tested and tried we just need to be patient with the process and look to the Lord for help.


I've also been incredibly humbled by so many acts of service especially from my ward family.  I felt so much love towards them like they really are my family.  I'm usually pretty quiet about my struggles but when I came too and realized I had a YW presidency meeting with the 1st counselor of the Bishop scheduled for 7AM the next day I had to tell Bart to let them know I wasn't going to make it.   In true Eastridge 1st ward fashion before I knew it my ministering sister,   R.S. president and many other amazing women in my ward came to the rescue in a hurry.  I had meals set up for the following week,  rides for my kids to go to their activities, offers to take my kids and so many texts and calls.  Ali the R.S. president called to check on me and when I mentioned that I was on a strict liquid diet and only jello and popsicles sound good.   Almost immediately not just one but a few ladies stopped by with Jello and popsicles.   I had a neighbor beg to do something for me so I sent her to Walmart to pick up an online grocery order I had placed.  She shows up with her arm in a sling and was amazed that she would offer to help despite not feeling so great.    About 9 days after my surgery another couple of neighbors showed up with their daughters and between them and my girls they gave my house an amazing deep clean that lifted my spirits so much.    I also received some flowers and gifts from groups at work and the YW which brought me a lot of happiness.  And of course Pauline came to the rescue a few times.

I'm also incredibly grateful for my dear husband Bart who picked up all the pieces without a single complaint.     How wonderful it was to feel the power of the priesthood as he blessed me to heal and told me to be patient with the process.  Through it all his calming influence helped my hysteria and impatience more than words can tell.  I never once worried about things.  I've got the most incredible independent kids who manage well without mom!

I truly believe Heavenly Father was watching out for me.     With the surgery came answers that I needed aka I'm not crazy after all.   I've suspected I had an ulcer for a while now and I'm not sure how the GI doctor missed it but I basically had a time bomb waiting to go off in my stomach.   I think of all the possibilities of when it could have happened and I can't think of a better time.  Bart was pretty much gone all of January and I'm not sure what I would have done if he wasn't home.  He told me a few days ago that the Thurs. before this happened he was contemplating taking a quick trip to L.A. because Gary informed him the Rolling Stones were in town practicing for a few days but he got a distinct impression not to go.     I'm also going to Italy in T-5 days and it horrifies me to think what would have happened if it would have perforated there.  I probably would have died.    So the timing was perfect in an imperfect situation. 

I woke up a couple a mornings ago feeling so incredibly good and grateful for good health.  Italy is going to be even more amazing with my stomach healed!  My stomach is feeling better than it has in a really long time.  My energy is mostly back although I still crash around 9 each night.     I have more compassion than ever for anyone who has to deal with chronic pain and can't express how grateful mine is gone and cross my fingers it stays away.   

Life doesn't have a magical remote that lets us fast forward through hard times but continually marches on with health and sickness,  incredible times and hard as hell times but I guess like President Hinkley says you should "thank for the Lord for letting you have the ride".